The Lost Art of Friendship

Is modern day friendship the "crown of life" that the ancients described?

I am thinking about friendship. I am thinking about my many attempts to be a friend; my failure at this great art and the benefits of having people in our lives who are committed to walk together until the end.

What got me started was planning a gathering of friends to meet for a long weekend for Gwen’s and my 70^th birthday. While we could have rented and reserved a small hotel for this with many friends, together, we chose eight precious souls to converge on an island off the coast to share time and space together. It was a long, anticipated time of gathering our hearts on the shores of time and shifting sands of culture, politics and crises.

It took many broad shoulders, numerous caring hearts and faithful companions to join us on this adventure of life. As Emily Dickerson has told us, “My friends are my estate.” There is just no way that we could have crossed the rivers, forged the streams and ascended the many mountains without friends.  There would be no “Potter’s Inn”; there would be no books; no podcasts, no offering of soul care were it not for men and women who, for some reason, walked along side of us hunting and searching together for crumbs of bread scattered across seven decades. I am so sobered by my need of companions. I am grateful that I have some. I have needed friends. I have wanted friends. I have tried at friendship—sometimes failing and thankfully, sometimes receiving the deepest blessing imaginable.

Understanding friendship has dominated my writing. In every book I’ve published, I’ve tried again and again to explain the importance; the necessity and the value of having what the Celtic Christians called, Anam Caras—which means, “soul friends.” Perhaps, if I were to copy, cut and paste all the chapters I’ve written on friendship, there would be a very good book indeed—at least I think so. I have learned this the hard way, the long way and in the tear stained ways of forgiveness and grace. I have not been a perfect friend.

Psychologist, counselor and author, David Benner writes, “Long overshadowed by romantic love, friendship is easily undervalued, but the ancients viewed friendship as the crown of life, the fulfillment of all that is most distinctively human.” It is remarkable to read in the Scriptures that the Creator desires friendship with us. In addition, when best understood, Jesus offers the gift of friendship to a small band of companions and calls them “friends” as a high honor and mark of distinction of the quality of love that he holds for those who walks with him. For me, friendship and friendship with Jesus, himself feels like a sacred privilege as well as a daunting responsibility.

Perhaps, the single and foundational verse I come back to, time and time again is this one where we read “Jesus chose the twelve that he might be with them” (Mark 3:14). Look again at the icon at the top of this Substack. Notice Jesus’ own arm around the shoulder of his friend. Imagine that happening right now and right here for you…

It is here, in this one singular word, “with” that I am most struck to the core of my own heart. A friend is someone in which you are “with” on life’s journey. Herein lies our challenge—there is not enough “with” in our modern times of walking through the jungle of productivity and the tyranny of the urgent. We are plagued by loneliness, siloed in being apart and isolated left in discord and despair. It’s not good. It’s not good at all. This was never, ever meant to be this way. We are created for “more” and friendship is the core essential to having a life marked by inner abundance and not emotional scarcity. I think Jesus’ offering of “withness” is the single most important benefit of walking forward in the faith filled paths of friendship with God that I am aware of at this time in my life. More than believing the “right things;” more than checking the boxes of trying to do “it” right, being with God is the key that unlocks the door of life for us and allows us to really live. No creeds and no formulas are needed or necessary—just being together in life…just walking together and not alone.

Friendship, in order to have it and sustain it, requires “with” time.   The time we offer to be “with” one another is the required ingredient to cultivate a soul friend. A soul friend is one who is proven, tried and true to be with you to the end—through the valleys and highs; along the plateaus and in the waiting room while you are under the knife of a surgeon.  To be “with” another human being is to walk and to walk together. It is to let go of and to hold onto and somehow, the heart tells you when to do each.

Friendship is a spiritual sacrament. Spiritual friendship reflects a union that is beyond us and is hinted at throughout both the Testaments of Scriptures. Friendship doubles our joys and divides our grief’s, says the Swedish Proverb. But, one does not have to be Swedish to speak the language of friendship. It is a universal, primal and global phenomenon.  Friendship is the mother tongue of the langue of the heart. We were made for one another and until we find our “one anothers” we are restless, searching and bewildered. Isn’t it stunning to realize that there are these fifty plus statements throughout the New Testament that are called the “one another” passages: Love one another, bear one another burdens, pray for one another and etc, etc—50 times is a lot of attempts to instill within us, the desire and need to live life together, not alone.

Scientist and medical researchers are now discovering that loneliness is as harmful to our physical and emotional well being, as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.  Social well being (friendships) are the number one predictor of survival and aging well. (See my INSIDE JOB, page 165). It’s this kind of fact reading about social well being that scares the be-jabbers out of me in our season of resetting our lives at our age. It’s hard to make friends when you are aging. With so little time ahead left, why should we sit down in making friends, when we need friends in such desperate ways?

When Gwen and I decided to uproot and reset our lives and move to the mountains two  years ago, one of the non-negotiables we agreed upon would be the “likelihood that there would be people like us”—people who talked a similar language; people who knew the spiritual walk and not just the church talk; people who we felt compatible with—that there was the scent of affinity and shared hope of life experience. It was so essential that we spent an entire year coming to visit our best hope of a place to move and reset; attending a church we had a “hunch” about and scouting out potential acquaintances that held a strong promise of hope for us.  You’ve read about my experiments to build a “Circle of Trust” with seven men; my Sunday School class and others. Like you, I am trying. Knowing what I know, I’d really be foolish to not be intentional about building friendships. I, like you, need friendship.

But, when we gathered at the coast last weekend, we went way back into our lives to invite eight people who have stood the test of time with us. We need both new friends and old friends and we need varied friends. Why? Because no one human being offers us all we need to live a resilient and healthy life. We need a tribe of possibilities—at least I do.  One person offers this and another offers us that… we build a mosaic of love through knowing people and doing life together. ONe of the realizations that both Gwen and I have is that to be “known” trumps out over just having acquaintances. We both want and desire to be known, understood, accepted and loved. Seasoned and trusted friends offer us the grace of being known and being understood. This is the gift of a long friendship, indeed!

I have learned the hard way that there is one all important value that simply MUST be present in a true friendship—and if this one value is not present, then I have learned to admit and confess that we are not friends.  The most important aspect to true friendship is this: an on-going relationship that is alive and growing must be reciprocal. For a friendship to stand the test of time and to be life giving and one that you’d want to cherish—there must be a sense that the friendship is reciprocal. In other words, there is an exchange of thought, idea, conviction and sharing. The time together is an exchange of the heart and mind—not just a dumping from one person to another. If one person talks all the time, then this is not friendship. If one person needs advice all the time, then this is not friendship. If one person requires care all the time, then this is not friendship.

I have learned this the hard way-- mixing up my work life with my friends. Once I came to this realization about the importance of a relationship being reciprocal, I was quickly able to discern who are my friends and who are my work. It’s an important distinction to make.

I can extend love but unless love is extended to me in return, this space is not friendship. I can give care and practice deep listening  but unless I am seen, heard and loved—then I am only a care-giver—not a friend.  The most loving, gracious and cherished friends I have are ones where both of us are mindful of the time—always careful to not dominate the conversation—always giving and offering space and time for both of us to talk from our hearts—from that sacred domain within where friendship is held and protected.

A spiritual friend is one with whom you confess your fears and assuage their fears by your presence. A spiritual friend understands that the friend’s presence is THE present you need to move onward and upward.  One of the most important commodities in friendship is time. Time is not measured or accounted for in this holy space but this kind of friendship knows that it is not “quality time” that matters… it is quantity—a reversal of what many books and articles actually say. We need time, and lots of time to come out of our shyness to share our inner worlds with one another. The more time we share the more we are prone to leave our secluded silos and show up at tables where bread is passed and drink is shared and our true sustenance is not the calories or carbs, it is in the shared heart where we connect, know, feel most alive in our souls.

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3C Group: Cohort, Caring and Curiosity Don't forget the all new 3C Group---this is a way to foster friendship and community through using words in poems to find each other. I encourage you to give this some thought. The Cohort is limited to 25 people. It is filling and registrations will stop when we have the cohort filled up. Here's the link to read more and register. We begin the Cohort on September 30.

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I wanted to write a poem about friendship—being honest, vulnerable and excavating some deep feelings I have about friendship. My poems posted on Substack are here for those who chose to support my work. You can do that by becoming a “Paid Subcriber” to use Substack language.