The Father's Day Ache

There is an ache--a wound in every male heart.

Father’s Day is a disaster in the greeting card industry.  Mother’s Day is the high water mark of buying and sending cards of love and appreciation. Not so on any Father’s day.

Richard Rohr tells the story of a nun working in a men’s prison. She gathered Mother’s Day cards for the inmates. All were taken and sent to the mother’s of the prisoners. The nun then called the national office of Hallmark Greeting Card company seeking to do the same act of love for the prisoners— to send cards to their fathers. Father’s Day came and went and not one of the inmates asked to send a Father’s Day card. Not one.

The wound that this story reveals is not about men who are in prisons. No. The wound this story reveals is the prison every man faces about their past, their wound and their story of healing in one way or another. Every man seeks freedom from this prison. Our solidarity is in both the wound and the healing from the wound.

The Father Wound is alive and present and debilitating. In my work with men, the Father Wound is nearly always the place where the real conversation begins—that place where the son tells the story of their father wounding their heart by not showing up;  not speaking love; not showing love; never really seeing them as a human being in need of love.  Until this wound is addressed and healed, the male heart—and perhaps that of a woman as well, will go septic— infected by all that the human heart was not given in order to be well.

I have documented my own narrative in great detail throughout my books. In the telling of my story, I hoped to offer wounded male hearts, a way to find their way out of the ache for love from the father.  I wrote to understand my own father wound, and in doing so, I found the healing I have needed for my own. But to be  honest, I am not completely healed.  It seems now that my own sons are at the age and stage of life where they are picking at the scab grown in my own heart. Each son picks at this scab in their own way and as I listen and watch, I just feel the ache again inside.  And now I see my own sons with their own sons and daughters. There’s talk of forgiveness. There is talk of love. There is regret. There is showing love. But, there is still the ache.

It’s a fascinating seat to sit in now to be both son, father and grandfather.  It’s like watching an animated, very fast moving story in a series of highs and lows; misses and connections; trying and failing; accepting and resigning to all the confusion in our roles and our souls as father and sons. Perhaps some of you are in this arena with me—watching your own life with your own fathers and children.

Perhaps, my deepest work has been in the work with men.  From the raw honesty of telling their father stories and my own, I have grown to listen to what was said and what was not said and what was given and what was not given and I have seen the solidarity of the ache that comes from the wound.

When I wrote my spiritual memoir, The Lazarus Life, I sent the typed manuscript to my father for him to read. I tell the story of my own soul-sickness and near death from that sickness of my father wound.  I held nothing back in that book.  I wanted my father to read it before it was published. On April 22, 2008, I got the call that my father had died. I flew back to my home in North Carolina and as I entered my parents bedroom, I saw my manuscript of my book on his night stand right by the bed in which he died.  He left me a note which simply said, “You told our story true.” The Lazarus Life was published three months later. To date, it is a best selling book now published around the world in multiple languages. It’s a compelling story of resurrection in many ways.

You Told Our Story True

My story was, in a way, my Dad’s story—his story of ache from his own father, my grandfather, which I never met—he died before I was born.  “Our story” is the story of Father’s Day—a day to remember the ache and a day to celebrate any healing that has come. If no healing has come, start with forgiveness. That is the first step out of the darkness. “Our story” is the story every man has who is honest and vulnerable enough to dig down into the dark to find the truth and light.

There is no healing of the ache or wound until a man digs through the dark to find the light.

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As I look back on my work, it’s stunning to me to realize that my very first book published was The Transformation of a Man’s Heart. Right out of the gate, I was all about working through my own healing and helping others to heal as well. I’m glad for that. I’m proud of that. This book is my attempt to tell the male story through twelve male voices—all experts in their fields— all attempting to share their own narrative of healing.

The chapter in my book by Gordon Dalby, the father of the men’s movement is the most beautiful and most compelling chapter on the Father Wound that I have ever read to date. I’d highly recommend the book and most especially this chapter and the chapter by Bob Fryling on “The Failures of a Man.” The book is still in print and you can order it here or through your own bookstore. I was proud that Inter Varsity published this book along with four separate study guides on some of the most compelling themes of a man’s heart.

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My Poem about the Father Wound

My poem published here below on my Substack has taken me 69 years and six months to write and understand. It’s been a slow and steady work to write this poem that you can read here. I title the poem, “The Father Wound” and in the poem, you’ll see me laying out the truth of the male heart as I know it and as I have experienced it.

You don’t have to be a man to understand this poem. But you do need to love a man to fully grasp my efforts in writing the poem. If you are a woman, I know there is a “Father’s wound” in the female heart for many. That’s not to argue. But I am simply telling the truth as I know it and know the truth to be.

If you’re not a subscriber, please become one. We’re building a wonderful community here where people feel free to talk and leave their comments and it’s such an encouraging space. To read the poems, you’ll need to become a Paid Subscriber. It’s the tangible way of helping me continue my work and now as a poet. If you simply can’t, I will help make that happen if you email me at info@pottersinn.com and simply say, “Subscribe me to your Substack.” I’ll do it and no questions asked.

May the blessings of God as the Father fill our hearts with love these days of ache and longing!

Steve